Growing up Disconnected: How Adolescent Substance Use Blocks the Path to Developing Meaningful Relationships

“Timmy” – 14 – Initiation, Expectation, and Self-Isolation

The following narrative is a composite built from eighty-six interviews with participants from Pennsylvania aged 18-28, from (Kingston et al., 2017), who were either enrolled in psychology courses, live in the college’s surrounding area or attended rehab programs in the college’s area. Quotations are all real participant responses, and the narrative synthesizes common themes into a single representative case.

Timmy grew up in a middle-class neighborhood with emotionally distant parents. As long as he could remember, substances had been around the household. His parents would have a few glasses of wine on weekends, and when his older cousins came by, they would bring beer and cannabis. Being an unsupervised young teenager, he would ask for some to which some of his older cousins obliged. During the summer between grade eight and nine, his friend offered him alcohol. It was a kind of offer to initiation. His older siblings were doing it, his friends were doing it, and they all seemed so connected to one another while drinking. As one of the participants in the Kingston et al., 2017 study said, “I didn’t want to say no, so it didn’t look like I didn’t fit in”

Timmy accepted the drink. He felt buzzed, warm, and connected to all the other adolescents at the gathering. He felt as though it was a part of growing up. As many participants from the Kingston et al., study described, using substances felt “normal”, and something expected during your teen years.

In the first months of his newfound joy, he wouldn’t use alone. Social gatherings, having a drink after the basketball game, smoking before exams with the boys. This eventually started to fade. The same group of kids that encouraged his “rite of passage” had new schedules, and social life was slowly replaced by using alone. He would skip class altogether, lie to his new friends about how much he was using, and lost touch with his parents who would punish him for his use. He justified his problematic use with “wanting to fit in” and how if “I didn’t use, I didn’t belong” (Kingston et al., 2017). Soon later, the substances were no longer about bonding but coping with negative feelings. They became a method of staving off the crushing weight of low self-esteem and boredom.

In the later months of this escalating pattern, he began to isolate himself more. His friends stopped asking him out to gatherings because of his fragile temperament and the distance he created himself. He stopped going to basketball and his grades started deteriorating. He stopped sharing his thoughts at the dinner table, distanced himself from his relatives, and became short with his father when he would ask what’s wrong. As seen in Kingston et al., 2017’s study, earlier initiation, or first time using, is associated with isolation and problem patterns of use, which applies directly to Timmy’s case.

Weekends of laughter and seemingly harmless tomfoolery turned into hiding bottles, deleting messages, and locking himself in his room during the day. Lying in bed, looking at his phone, he would wish anyone would text back, even the ‘annoying’ kid. To his dismay, the uncanny silence stretched on. The few friends he still had either used substances themselves and were in the same rut or were repulsed by his neuroticism. At this point, the enhanced connection had dwindled and was replaced by an empty cycle of psychoactive highs and lows.

One night, after he came home reeking of alcohol and cannabis, a fight with his mother broke out about missing a family gathering, in which he had missed by hours. By now, he had realized he had dug himself a hole. He didn’t feel okay when he was sober and managed to distance himself from the people who cared enough to check in on him. He went to his room, a place all to familiar to him, and for the first time in years, cried. It became more clear over time that his use may not be normal, and would result in more loss than gain.

He cut back on the drugs. However, the problem was that he had nobody to talk to about this new behavior that was crushing his life. Crying alone was a start, but he couldn’t uphold this façade any longer. He knew he needed professional help.

I have seen kids graduate from entering the rave scene at 14 years old with the ‘cool’ and older kids to permanently harming themselves with amphetamines before they hit 20 years of age. I saw with my own eyes the crushing weight of wanting to fit in at a young age overtake the ability to see what may happen as they mature. It’s disturbing to watch self-harm from someone who is entirely uninformed and ruin their life with good intentions. Social supports, family-based therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy may give them a chance at not destroying themselves before they realize what’s possible.

This essay argues that although adolescents believe that using drugs will improve their social life, it will damage or destroy their ability to create meaningful relationships. I aim to explore the relationship between substance use and fewer meaningful relationships, and strategies for combating substance use amongst adolescents, such as family-based therapy, support groups, and/or cognitive behavioral therapy. Often it is best to combine treatments to best suit the client’s needs (Santes-de-Pascual et al., 2022).

Substance use often isolates adolescents from meaningful relationships.

The Promise

Feeling as though you belong is a key aspect of an enjoyable adolescent life. If the group an adolescent is associating with is using substances, the individual may feel that it is the normal thing to do, and refusing use will result in them being excluded (Kingston et al., 2017). Taking that into consideration, substance use is increasing amongst youths (Canada, H., 2025) and it is common for adolescents to feel as though using substances will improve their social life (Kingston et al., 2017). As one of the participants in the qualitative study done by Kingston et al., 2017, some kids don’t want to be the “party pooper” or run the risk of “not getting invited back to the frat parties” (Kingston et al., 2017). This reflects the pattern shown in this study where adolescents believe saying “no” will make them look like a square and/or uncommitted to the group unit. In adolescent groups, substance use becomes a social signal that communicates they are apart of the ingroup, and furthers perceived identify formation (Kingston et al., 2017).

Early experiences with substance use are typically immediately rewarding (Kingston et al., 2017), and the impulsivity of adolescents temps them towards immediate gratification at the expense of delayed punishment, in comparison to adults (Huang et al., 2017). Delay discounting is the concept of smaller rewards sooner, like being silly with your friends, taking priority over larger rewards later, like genuine, long-lasting friendship. In studies comparing adolescents with adults, adolescents are less likely to plan, especially those under 16 years of age (Steinberg et al., 2009). Furthermore, adolescents are less likely to anticipate the consequences of their decisions, including health-compromising behavior such as binge-drinking or smoking. The connection and warmth that an adolescent may feel when using substances may be the only feedback they can attribute to their usage (Steinberg et al., 2009), while the long-term social complications remain unforeseeable.

Trust disintegrates quickly once substance use becomes the priority.

Drugs act as a social lubricant, feeling frustrated or ‘not in the best mood’ can be mitigated by using substances, such as cannabis (Kingston et al., 2017). It can enhance connection, reduce social inhibition, and reduce awkwardness (Kingston et al., 2017). This can be extremely useful with the increased rates of anxiety many adolescents face, as well over 30% of adolescents “had any anxiety disorder” (National Institute of Mental Health, 2017).  As we can see from the study from the National Institute of Mental Health in 2017, adolescents have higher rates of anxiety and anxiety disorders than adults in the United States. Anxiety disorders can impact relationships, and adolescents frequently report symptoms that qualify for an anxiety disorder (National Institute of Mental Health, 2017). These disorders include panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, specific phobia, and most relevant, social anxiety disorder (National Institute of Mental Health, 2017). While all of these can impact social function, social anxiety disorder chief among them, drugs can feel like a medicine, and far from a poison.

Fortunately, positive support groups and meaningful connections can weaken one’s connection with substances (Pettersen et al., 2019).

The Cost

A meaningful relationship can be defined as “not just offers practical help, emotional support, safety, and ultimately serve survival, but also enables a life full of wellbeing, satisfaction and meaning” (Block et al., 2024). Adolescence is a key period of determining how we choose and build relationships. In an interview conducted with Faith, the sister of a substance abuser who is now estranged from his family, her brother’s substance uses early in life shaped the types of people and habits he would surround himself with. When he got into a “Wolf of Wall Street kind of job” with older people, his substance use accelerated (personal communication, November 4th, 2025). In romantic relationships for example, “the partner’s own substance use, have been found to be related to substance use and abuse and other forms of problem behavior” (Fleming et al., 2010), showing that individuals surrounded by other who use substances are more likely to use themselves.

We see many youths get into drugs for social reasons but do not understand it may very well result in a lower quality social life. About half of Canadians ages 15-24 reported using drugs in the past year according to health Canada (Canada, H., 2025). Adolescence comes from the Latin word adolescere, which means “grow to maturity”. A key component of growing and building our identity relies on connecting with others, but many youths end up dealing with years of drug-induced loneliness that affects them permanently.

In my interview with my friend Faith, who’s older brother Sean, has been dealing with an ongoing struggle with substances that started in high school, I investigate her first-hand experience growing up around addiction. As his substance use worsened, he would blame her for his problems, miss important dates, and ruin long term friendships and intimate relationships. In her words, she “does not like him as a person, and who he had become” (personal communication, November 8th, 2025). Furthermore, she, “does not speak with him anymore” because of his substance abuse (personal communication, November 4th, 2025). Going forward, she no longer associates with anyone who shows signs of drug abuse because she is worried, “she is the one who will have to deal with it” (personal communication, November 4th, 2025).

Once a user is addicted, they often forfeit opportunities for connection.

Behaviorally, addiction reduces “prosocial behavior and interpersonal trust” among adolescents, as it results in a 50% lower likelihood to trust others (Elhert et al, 2024). This undermines the foundation of meaningful relationships. Trust is pivotal in maintaining functional and fulfilling relationships (Yilmaz et al., 2023). Therefore, substances can cripple one’s ability to maintain them.

Historical and Contemporary Views

In 1870, the American Association for the Cure for Inebriates was established, re-defining those who are substance dependent as being medically afflicted, and not a product of poor character, but this stigma persists. Up until this period, substance dependent individuals were mostly seen as criminals and sinners and should be only understood by the church and punished by the legal system (Hancock & McKim, 2017), but this is commonly held by some even today. By the end of the nineteenth century, addiction came to replace the terms inebriety and intemperance to give a diagnosis of compulsive drug use and “characterize it as a disease” (Hanock & McKim, 2017). Later, following the establishment of Alcoholics Anonymous in the mid-twentieth century, alcoholism was formally recognized as a disease by the World Health Organization in 1951 and by the American Medical Association in 1953, also implying all addictions were a disease. Transitioning from calling it a sin to a disease is progress but doesn’t help the adolescent cutting back on drugs figure out who will support him in the process of mending the damage they already had caused. Furthermore, many adolescents only realize they have a problem once they have deeply harmed their social life. In British Columbia, we allocate almost $500 million dollars towards addiction-related mental health care for about 400,000 people that suffer from addiction or substance misuse. Many of those dollars go towards adults who have already crippled their social supports, and it costs much less to prevent those bridges from burning in the first place.

Supportive interventions can help rebuild lost relationships and manage anxiety. 

The view of substance use has been changing everywhere for centuries, but in Canada substance use is increasingly understood as a health issue and not a moral failure or criminal behavior. The mayor of Vancouver has increased the budget for the Vancouver police department to combat the problems on the Downton Eastside, instead of funding medical service and recovery programs, which adolescents struggling with addiction would benefit from most. Putting more funding towards policing isn’t going to help the kid who isn’t trying to become a criminal and is just trying to keep his friends. This is likely happening because it’s less complicated to punish them instead of developing treatments adjusted to the person’s needs. There is an increasingly greater effort to address underlying causes such as trauma, mental disorders, or socioeconomic status, there is generally still more awareness on the subject required. Ideally, Canadians can completely diminish stigma so more people like Timmy or Sean are willing to seek treatment and receive respect while in treatment, as punishing them instead of treating them will catalyze the negative feelings that fuel the addiction. Criminalizing and punishing teens like Timmy or Sean will not help them reconnect with friends and family, but addressing the loneliness they face will fill more seats at the family dinner table.

The research shows addiction amongst adolescents quietly damages or destroys meaningful relationships. Faith and her brother’s relationship eroded as he continues to abuse substances. Highly addictive substances can cripple someone’s social behavior by undermining fundamental human interaction. This can be circumvented by strengthening social supports early in adolescence, improving family intervention services, and attending peer recovery programs (Fadus et al., 2019). Most notably, greater social support has predicted lower substance use rates after treatment, treatment retention, days abstinent and abstinence self-efficacy (Islam et al., 2023).

This issue is important because addiction is on the rise, especially in the greater Vancouver area. Adolescents are misleading peers, implying that it is the way to connect with a group. Many mental and physical illnesses are comorbid with substance use and isolation and addressing the relationship between these factors may allow us to tackle them head on and create treatment plans for people struggling with these issues.

Saying “yes” to substances can often feel mandatory to belonging. 

Context is key in understanding an individual’s issue because people from certain cultures, who have different illnesses, or come from different socioeconomic backgrounds will be best off tackling these issues differently. Hopefully more people will view substance use and social isolation not because of being a loser or having little discipline but because of several underlying factors based on the individual’s positionality.

What could occur if this solution is not implemented is increased rates of substance use and lower rates of connection amongst adolescents between amongst family, friends, and professionals. Parents, psychologists, social workers, educators and doctors believe this issue is critical, as negative mental and physical health effects are associated with substance use and social isolation. What could occur if this solution is implemented is greater understanding of what causes substance use and isolation, how these two variables interact, and how we can support the needs of our youths who are working towards recovery. Hopefully this can provide insight for adolescents and parents who find themselves or their children replacing meaningful relationships with drug use and/or complete isolation, helping them build their skills towards sobriety and support. As far as Timmy and Sean goes, we can use these findings to enable their recovery and instill confidence to create new and rebuild old relationships. They are initially very similar to people without addiction, and circumstance led him in a haze of substance use and complete isolation. Fortunately, positive support groups and meaningful connections can weaken one’s connection with substances (Petterson et al., 2019). These findings will allow the average kid to circumvent these circumstances and lead a happier, healthier and more meaningful social life.

Sometimes I hear a group of kids laughing too loud. I hear the cries and cheers of the first ‘real’ Saturday night coming together in the library parking lot. I’ll be tempted to stop and tell them what I’ve noticed. The feelings you chase at fifteen come at a cost and are rented by the hour. That bill is paid by empty chairs on Christmas, a dry phone on Saturday nights, and a little sister who changed her number and learned the hard way how to live without you. Sometimes, time doesn’t heal wounds; you just learn to own them. The idea of loneliness is foreign on that first drink or the first high but is fully realized the morning after the last one. It is fully apparent when the last bridge that could help you rebuild the rest was burned.

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